Where I am, mentally

So Janet flies in tonight at like 10:45, and my apartment needs sprucing up. I fear she will think I am a complete slob/basket case and tut-tut my lack of organizational skills. The truth is, I don't know where to begin because I am finding this whole thing to be an astronomical undertaking. Symbolically, the disposal of an Oregon Duck sweatshirt I bought in 1992 reminds me that I am uprooting everything I know and am comfortable with, for real this time.

The last time was so EASY. I had an apartment set up and waiting for me, I had good friends coming with to get me settled and ease my mind, I had a crap load of money in the bank, I had an unemployed neighbor to take me around and show me what bus to take and where was the best place to buy plastic drawers for my chonies. Within days (and no additional waiting for broken appointments) I had internet access and cable TV. I knew my agenda and it was pretty much "do whatever you want". Back home, my stuff was firmly ensconced in a secure storage unit, my car and sweatshirts and dough bin and cactus lamp all safe and sound. I knew that when it was time, I had friends coming to help me move my crap back, and I had a job waiting for me so that I could resume being me.

It's different now. I have no set timetable for return, if I do return at all. I don't have that much money in the bank. I have a little bit of debt. I have to sell my car, and some of my stuff, and get rid of a bunch of clothes I haven't looked at, let alone worn, in 2 years. Though I do have employment opportunities if I return, escrow has burned me out and I know better now.

It's worse at night, for sure, and in the light of day I think it won't be that much different to put my stuff in someone's basement for a year. But every little wrench that is thrown into the mix, here with one week before take off, sets me on a tailspin. Because it's CHANGE. Change is good, sure, but it is getting harder and harder. Routine for me is normal, and I am plunging myself into a world where there is no such animal. This is good for me, I know this, I believe this, I am doing it BECAUSE of this. But it is still really, really hard.

I have been whining a lot (I think) because I need time to wrap my head around so much, but I think it is important to know that it is not just a process of packing my crap and putting it somewhere else and selling the rest. It is about taking a sharp left turn and having know idea what the future is about for me. I think, no, I know, it will be good. But for right now, I am wallowing in a little bit of inner-panic.

Bear with me. I'll work through it.

Running willy-nilly through my mind

I haven't blogged all week so I feel like I should, but I am not really sure I have much to say. I just finished week one of my two-week notice, and it's month end, but it seems whenever I quit I am always way busier all of a sudden and it's a bummer because the way I see it, I should be screwing around all day and not working. But no. Still in at 7, still out closer to 6 than to 5. I can't say (this time) that it doesn't matter because soon I will be lounging all day and basking in the sun and living the life of Riley, because the reality is soon I will be working even longer hours and hoping to get a couple of hours of sun here and there while I am at it. This is not a bad thing. I came back to escrow thinking I missed it and realizing almost right away that it's a thankless job. I don't think anyone out there reading this is a lender or real estate agent, but if you are, please remember the importance your closer has in the transaction. You know, the one writing your checks. Remember that whole adage about more flies with honey? Yeah, keep that in mind. Not many people do.

So. I haven't really accomplished much OUTSIDE of my head yet, but I have plenty INSIDE my head, so that's something. Janet comes here on Wednesday night, and my goal is by that time is to have decided what stays and what goes and where it is actually going to stay. Kim has offered me her basement, but my concern right now is if I have too much stuff to put there. I just don't know. I am really re-thinking getting rid of the sofa. So on that note, today I will be calling some storage places JUST TO SEE if perhaps it isn't too much to keep them in a storage unit for a year. The idea being that when a year is up, if I am still happy, I can figure out what to do with the stuff then. It makes sense, really. I can't really do much but clean out the crap anyway until it's next weekend, because I am not going to live in an empty apartment for a week and a half. So today's agenda is all about dividing stuff and cleaning and laundry and that is fine because it is a rainy day out anyway.

I told all but one of my handful of clients that I am leaving, and most of them have said it didn't surprise them. Work is an easy mess to clean up, I have only been here since May and really don't have much accumulated. Plus, what can they say? Allegedly there will be a little going-away on Thursday night, so that should be fun, and then Friday I am sure I will leave early. That will be that. Pack my clothes and go.

I am flipping terrified.

I am wondering if I felt this same way the last time I moved. I just don't remember it. The last time was finite though, it had a beginning and an end. This one just doesn't. I have definite options for the future, both here in Oregon and elsewhere if I so choose, but for some reason I just can't seem to shake this wierd feeling. It isn't like intuition or doom or anything like that, it's just fear. You know, of not having a root.

It will change when I am there, I am sure of it. But right now, sola in my apartment, on a rainy Saturday in March, I am just kind of afraid.

Now it's REALLY official - Booked!

So our little Jan Jan called me yesterday during nap #2 and told me NOT to book just yet if I hadn't already (I hadn't) and she would check airfare and see if we couldn't find a way for her to come up and help me move (help me pack, too). Sure enough, today she found a $375 round trip and I will return on her return leg for the lo - lo price of $180! Can you flipping believe those fares? It's sick. So yeah, um, I did it, booked both of them and I am officially the hell out of here on April 4 at 6am (are either of you reading this, Barbie and Shelia?) (actually Shelia, Barbie offered to drive but since I am so fun and popular I will let you fight it out. I will say though it will be 4 suitcases and 2 bodies so um, might have to be the one with the bigger car...). So yeah, talk about official!

The deal is that ol' Jan Jan will fly up the 28th and since she doesn't want to shop by herself, will try to make herself busy in my apartment. Not hard to do, because let's face it, I procrastinate. And I would hate to have her be bored while I am at work my last two days. Give give give, never take, that's me. She can get in some good tax-free shopping as well, and will bring up an extra suitcase and a half for my stuff. She just rocks! I am happy that we are booked and that I have such a friend.

Maybe I should take a moment and thank ALL my friends. You know, I am the kind of person that runs around making sure her karma is intact, and so you would think I wouldn't be so surprised that good things happen. But I am. It amazes me the support and friendship that I have coming my way. I am truly humbled, and I thank all of you for reading, listening, and putting up with all of my crap. Because there is a lot of it. I don't think I have to tell you the issues I have. Group hug (air hug, sure, but hug all the same)!

Okay so tonight that Dave E. is in town and since I SORTA blew him off last night (he called mid-nap#3 and had just landed, and he sounded tired so I told him we could meet today... again with the giving...), we went to dinner tonight. Crafty Joyce managed to get him to leave his hotel in Clacka-fucking-mas 4000 miles away and meet me at my office, to which he arrived at 4:45. Perfect. From there we took the long way (to avoid traffic) to the Broadway, my old local from like 8 years ago (yes, 4 people there remembered me and had to chat, I should be proud, but since it's the Broadway, I'm not) and had a whole bunch of food and a drink or two. Too much food made us leave at like 7:45 and he dropped me back at my office (and car) and went back to his hotel - short and sweet, but quality. I love that guy. Marita called while we were out too and that was fun to chat this time with Dave on this side of the phone. It was a good evening and I will still have plenty of rest and that is all good, and I like having dinner with Dave because he calls it supper and I find that charming. So that was tonight.

Not even going to talk about the weekend because I think we didn't have one because I sure didn't get much done. I am sure you aren't surprised. I'm not. Now I am a short-timer at work with WAY too much to do there, but everyone knows now (including big boss Linda who actually told me I could come back to work there again whenever I needed - nice, huh?) and since my office is way up front, they all pop in to chat and give me shit and stuff. So there you go. Up to date. I feel good.

It's official

I gave my two weeks notice and I am moving back to Cancun. I should be in Portland til about the first week or so of April.

Yay.

A minor effort to keep you reading

I was dismissed on Tuesday. I only recognized 2 of the jurors from my other trips, and I am not sure they were that happy to see me go, simply because they were in there for the long haul and I got out of it. I felt pretty crappy by the time I got back to work (around 11) but after some pep talks with my good friends Elizabeth and Becky (in Cancun) I ended up the day being okay with it. So that's done. The Oregonian had an article about day one of the trial and after reading it I am just really glad I didn't have to serve.

Tomorrow I have to drop the hammer at work and I have mixed feelings about the reaction, but I guess I won't know til it happens so I am not worrying about it. And that is all I am going to say on the matter until it's done.

Work has been pretty slow I have to say, and it's such a drag. Becky (in Portland) and I went out last night, which you know, I know better, and right now I am worn out and want to just chill in front of ANTM (which I DVRd on account of all the beer) and go to bed like at 9 or something. And SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.

I have so flipping much to do and yet, not a lot of motivation. Saturday begins crunch time so I better fire up.

That's it. There is just nothing else to say today.

A Y in the road

Welp, today is the day. I sort of have a back up plan in the event they decide I don't need to be dismissed. It's a quandry, this deciding what is right and what is wrong. A part of me thinks that the people that don't want me doing this jury duty don't want me to do it for all the WRONG reasons. Like covering my desk, where it is hard to sit with all the tumbleweeds rolling by. Is it selfish to worry about work when someone's life is on the line? Why am I already assuming he will be found guilty? And why didn't they ask me THOSE kinds of questions last week?

I guess I will let you know what happens - bittersweet victory (dismissal)? Or duty-bound future best-selling author? Stay tuned.

Flash Back Saturday

I had this friend many years ago (20 actually) who started dating this girl very close to Valentine's Day. She was kind of a whack job to begin with, if I remember correctly, and as Valentine's Day approached, she pretty much demanded that he send her roses to work for the occasion. We were really good friends, and when he told me about this demand, it bothered me. I am pretty sure I told him that you shouldn't have to ASK for flowers (at work or anywhere) - you should want the guy to just do it. You know, if he doesn't, what can you do? Right? Anyway, Valentine's Day rolls around and of course he sent her the roses (he was just a really good guy). Meanwhile, back at the Honda dealership I worked at, a dozen long stemmed red roses (you know, the kind that come in a big long box?) is delivered to me from "my secret admirer" or something like that. The office girls oohed and aahed appropriately (one was kind of pissed because I was the only girl that got anything) and we tried to figure out who they were from, and since I was single (it's a pattern) I couldn't be sure who they were from. I sort of sort of thought they were from my friend, but it's not like you can call and ask, so I decided to let it work itself out.

Later in the day, my friend came to visit me with a single red rose. I of course was very happy to see him and for the rose and I thought it was so sweet, and when I told him about the dozen ones I had received earlier, he sort of looked downtrodden and bummed and said something like, Wow, I guess this one little rose must look sad next to that. I of course rushed to tell him, No no this one rose means so much more! and after an agonizingly long time he finally looked at me slyly and said, Then I guess I wasted too much money on the dozen.

Isn't that just a really great story? I love that story. Ordinarily I only remember it when Valentine's Day rolls around, and really I haven't even thought of it in the last few Valentine's Days simply because it's been a pretty long time since I have had a Valentine. But I remembered it tonight when I was thinking about what a pretty cool day it was today.

So earlier this morning I am sitting in front of the cracktop, drinking coffee and checking out Eddie Bauer online, and my sister Shelia calls. She asks me, "Who is Jeff M.?" and I stopped dead in my tracks. He tracked her down through the wonders of stealth software and left her his number yesterday. So of course I called him back. Seriously, 20 years. It was the greatest thing. I told a couple people later and they were like, is he like going through a divorce or something? And he isn't. I mean he is relatively newly married and anyway it wasn't really like that. I have thought about him for the last 20 years myself, and Google never turns anything up and then I let it go. We talked for like 3 hours and my battery died just after I hung up and went to check the 5 voicemails that came in during that time. I know he is going to read this sooner or later, so at the risk of sounding sappy, it probably was the greatest phone call I have ever had. So I am pretty happy and feeling all remember-y and shit. Yay.

So one of the 5 messages was that dang Bill R. calling from his folks' house here in Washington County (I won't say "here in town" because they live in Cornelius and it's practically the beach), but due to the recharging battery I could not phone him back right away. Bill and I go back about 8 years or so, but we have emailed and spoken from time to time since then. He ended up phoning ME back from his cell, and was meeting friends to watch basketball (woo hoo Ducks by the way) and then later to the Sports Page. I told him I would meet him since I admit I have NOT been around to see him in the last couple of visits (he reads this too - so I am being honest with everyone about how remiss I have been). I went to the bar around 8 and got home around 10:30 and it was great seeing him. The beard was a little shocking, though. I thought people only grew full beards in the midwest in winter. Isn't pretty much warm all the time in Texas?

So now here I sit, all basking in this great day I had in which I accomplished only about 1/4 of the things I needed to get done, but not caring and feeling pretty happy and looking forward to knowing that some friends are just there for the rest of your life, whether you see them all the time or not.

Yay.

Too little too late?

Long week, kinda. Ironically, I am being chosen for more responsibilities and committees and other long-term things at work right now. Big Boss Linda came in early in the week and asked if I would be the closer for a program with Ohio Savings Bank, apparently they are doing some sort of electronic signing thing, where maybe the docs will all be on line or something? She didn't know the specifics and it kind of doesn't matter at this point, but all I can answer is Why not. Then Heather is our current (was, no probably still will be) rep on some committee based out of Texas that has to do with settlement practices (really not sure what it is either) and because her desk has exploded (a great thing for her) I was asked to be her replacement (so what does that say about me and their expectations...?). Fine. THEN one of our big builders in Gloria's unit wants to bring all of their Spanish speaking customers to Gloria, and not to Fidelity where they have a bilingual closer (remember, we really don't), so I was asked if I wanted to take Spanish lessons on the company dime. I said, yeah, whatever. Thing is, even if stuff wasn't happening (Vague Girl again), it doesn't take a month of classes to become fluent. It takes a LONG TIME. I attribute all this to the general lack of caring that I see so prevelantly in my branch (hi, it's me, Disheartened Girl). I just think it's sort of ironic in that now that something else is in the works, they finally see that I am smart and a good representative of our company. Whatever.

On a personal level, I went Thursday morning and met with the Liason with the Next Step, per the gentle encouragement of Bridie, and it was okay, but all I did was talk. I guess you gotta let the guy know what is going on before he can help. What little he was able to sneak in edgewise was helpful in reinforcing the idea that you don't HAVE to like certain people if you don't want to. Certain important people in your life. And also that to be happy is pretty much the goal in all our lives. I will meet with him again on Monday.

Socially, I went out midweek again, Thursday, and it was fun. 1am fun. Sleep until 6:15am the next day fun, and show up to work Friday morning with odd hair fun. But we had a good time and it's always good to mix things up. I didn't miss a new Ugly Betty or The Office, so it seemed like a good opportunity.

Today to Marita's delight I may go do some shopping. Tomorrow Barbie and I are taking mom to brunch, and I am not sure really why, but I guess it's the right thing to do. So that's fine.

I have to tell you. Biting my tongue is getting hard. But it is necessary for just a little while longer - perhaps a week longer. Please be patient and don't give up the ship. This is Limbo, and Lord knows I have been here before.

Imagine what it's like for ME.

I need to apologize to some of you for not being very accessible lately, even though I find the time to blog. I am not forgetting you. Really. I just find it somewhat therapeutic to blog after a hellacious work day, and then sometimes I don't feel like being on the phone. I swear I will work on being better, but kindly bear with me just a little bit longer.

So like I said, I am Juror #18. There might be a SLIGHT possibility that I will still be dismissed, but I am not holding my breath. The trial starts on Tuesday (the 13th) and so I will get to work on Mondays and be a juror the rest of the week. Which also means I will probably have to work in the nights, too. I mean, come on. How effective am I going to be Mondays only? Mondays truly are not my brightest days in the first place. We'll have to see how this pans out.

Not that I don't want to do my civic duty or anything, but you know, there are other things (things I am sorry I cannot say on here just yet) that will become complicated by the trial. So I just have to be patient and hope my little situation (somebody I know started talking about the trial as she knew the victim quite well a lot of years ago and I didn't realize it was MY trial until she said the name) works its way out.

In the meantime, I have much to do. Much to do. So. Much. To. Do.

I had a decent weekend though, and I guess I paid for it by having a turd of a day today, but I DVRd Family Guy from last night and it made me laugh when I got home and watched it so I guess it's getting better. Plus today was like that sneak peek Spring day and that always helps.

Welp, I am sure this hasn't been much fun for any of you since I am kinda stressing, thinking my secret could be out soon, and wondering if I will indeed by hauling my happy ass out to Hillsboro every day for the next month. Sorry. I hope to be more colorful again soon.

Friday night at the movies

It has been raining non-stop all day today in that grey, gloomy way that it does here from October to July, and so I have some movies lined up that I really want to watch and after I give you this little bit of news, I am off to the sofa.

They picked me. You knew they would.

Issues, though: someone told me today that they don't do the sentencing for like a month after the actual conviction (if that is the case). Um. I don't really HAVE a month. I'll be phoning the courts on Monday to get some answers. But as it stands right now, I am Juror 18.

Balls.