Where I am, mentally

So Janet flies in tonight at like 10:45, and my apartment needs sprucing up. I fear she will think I am a complete slob/basket case and tut-tut my lack of organizational skills. The truth is, I don't know where to begin because I am finding this whole thing to be an astronomical undertaking. Symbolically, the disposal of an Oregon Duck sweatshirt I bought in 1992 reminds me that I am uprooting everything I know and am comfortable with, for real this time.

The last time was so EASY. I had an apartment set up and waiting for me, I had good friends coming with to get me settled and ease my mind, I had a crap load of money in the bank, I had an unemployed neighbor to take me around and show me what bus to take and where was the best place to buy plastic drawers for my chonies. Within days (and no additional waiting for broken appointments) I had internet access and cable TV. I knew my agenda and it was pretty much "do whatever you want". Back home, my stuff was firmly ensconced in a secure storage unit, my car and sweatshirts and dough bin and cactus lamp all safe and sound. I knew that when it was time, I had friends coming to help me move my crap back, and I had a job waiting for me so that I could resume being me.

It's different now. I have no set timetable for return, if I do return at all. I don't have that much money in the bank. I have a little bit of debt. I have to sell my car, and some of my stuff, and get rid of a bunch of clothes I haven't looked at, let alone worn, in 2 years. Though I do have employment opportunities if I return, escrow has burned me out and I know better now.

It's worse at night, for sure, and in the light of day I think it won't be that much different to put my stuff in someone's basement for a year. But every little wrench that is thrown into the mix, here with one week before take off, sets me on a tailspin. Because it's CHANGE. Change is good, sure, but it is getting harder and harder. Routine for me is normal, and I am plunging myself into a world where there is no such animal. This is good for me, I know this, I believe this, I am doing it BECAUSE of this. But it is still really, really hard.

I have been whining a lot (I think) because I need time to wrap my head around so much, but I think it is important to know that it is not just a process of packing my crap and putting it somewhere else and selling the rest. It is about taking a sharp left turn and having know idea what the future is about for me. I think, no, I know, it will be good. But for right now, I am wallowing in a little bit of inner-panic.

Bear with me. I'll work through it.