Monday, March 09, 2009

"How hard it is, sometimes, to trust the evidence of one's senses! How reluctantly the mind consents to reality."
- Norman Douglas

I just really like that quote. It's desperately true. Sometimes we want something so badly that we discount our logical selves and just run on hope. Sometimes it is totally unrealistic, and though deep down we know that, we still hang on to that tiny shred of possibility. Or maybe it's just me.

If the last couple of months have taught me anything, it's patience. And I'm at the end of it, I think. Maybe. I've been dealing with some situations that have done a lot for me, in terms of my emotions. Like showing me that I actually have some, beyond your basic every day irritation. This is good, because a life void of emotion is no life at all. And it's bad, because hurting sucks. Happiness, on the other hand, does NOT suck, but happiness tends to come and go, especially in these situations to which I refer. I guess the happiness is worth the hurt, if I am going to be philosophical about it, which I guess I will be for now. Blame it on that quote - it made me think.

I won't dwell on specifics. I won't even dwell on the whole irritatiing scenario from here forward, because it doesn't do me any good. What was found is now lost again, but, for a very brief period, I had some happiness. I suppose I am lucky to have had even that, considering the number of people who do not have any at all. It's getting past the hurt that makes today hard, and will probably make tomorrow hard, but I'll do it, because I have to.

I have always described myself as selfish, and I'm guessing I base that on the fact that when I want something, I get it, no matter how frivolous. But I am also codependent, and tend to put the needs for others in front of mine. Doesn't make much sense, does it? I guess it's safe to say that when I want STUFF, I get it, but the NEEDS I'm talking about are the intangible things. The things where you give of yourself. Instead of STUFF. I don't give a lot of attention to my own NEEDS, beyond a weekend nap here and there. What does it say about a person who doesn't feel like her own nurturing is important? It can't be good. And I guess it's good that I have the time to work on that.

Because I have the time, like I had before January.

And yet, I still hope.


At 8:40 AM, March 10, 2009, Blogger Rosas Clan in Tulum said...

deep stuff... I am not sure how to answer your final question- but I will say that you always put a smile on my face and made me feel better.

At 12:21 PM, March 10, 2009, Blogger My Way said...

Well if anyone knows what it's like to live on pure hope, it would be me. Got me stuck in that wonderful relationship don't you know. It was all so obvious he wasn't right for me, but I had a tiny glimmer of hope, of belief of faith, that he could be a better person. He really could, he just didn't want to. And when I realized that, I left. Well, you know the story.

As for being selfish, you are far from it. You have been there for me through some very horrible times and I clung to you (and someone else, you know who you are) because you actually had hope in me. Hope that I'd finally see, that he had no hope! See how this hope thing comes full circle?

And as for taking care of yourself, I think you do more than you think you do, but to quote that fucked up show on MTV with Rupaul and the drag queens (which I totally watch btw),

"If you don't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?".


At 4:05 PM, March 11, 2009, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Faith. Hope. I gots em.

Somedays it's all I got.

Hang in there, sweetie!



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