"How hard it is, sometimes, to trust the evidence of one's senses! How reluctantly the mind consents to reality."
- Norman Douglas

I just really like that quote. It's desperately true. Sometimes we want something so badly that we discount our logical selves and just run on hope. Sometimes it is totally unrealistic, and though deep down we know that, we still hang on to that tiny shred of possibility. Or maybe it's just me.

If the last couple of months have taught me anything, it's patience. And I'm at the end of it, I think. Maybe. I've been dealing with some situations that have done a lot for me, in terms of my emotions. Like showing me that I actually have some, beyond your basic every day irritation. This is good, because a life void of emotion is no life at all. And it's bad, because hurting sucks. Happiness, on the other hand, does NOT suck, but happiness tends to come and go, especially in these situations to which I refer. I guess the happiness is worth the hurt, if I am going to be philosophical about it, which I guess I will be for now. Blame it on that quote - it made me think.

I won't dwell on specifics. I won't even dwell on the whole irritatiing scenario from here forward, because it doesn't do me any good. What was found is now lost again, but, for a very brief period, I had some happiness. I suppose I am lucky to have had even that, considering the number of people who do not have any at all. It's getting past the hurt that makes today hard, and will probably make tomorrow hard, but I'll do it, because I have to.

I have always described myself as selfish, and I'm guessing I base that on the fact that when I want something, I get it, no matter how frivolous. But I am also codependent, and tend to put the needs for others in front of mine. Doesn't make much sense, does it? I guess it's safe to say that when I want STUFF, I get it, but the NEEDS I'm talking about are the intangible things. The things where you give of yourself. Instead of STUFF. I don't give a lot of attention to my own NEEDS, beyond a weekend nap here and there. What does it say about a person who doesn't feel like her own nurturing is important? It can't be good. And I guess it's good that I have the time to work on that.

Because I have the time, like I had before January.

And yet, I still hope.