Monday, January 26, 2009

You can't go back.

I've learned this, time and time again. When I got back from Mexico the first time, I didn't feel like I was done there yet. I wasn't ready, even though it was part of the plan. So when I came back, I constantly looked for ways to get back there. Even though I had a great job (again), with bonuses (always good, I miss them), a great apartment and no car payment, I kept looking past what I had right in front of me, searching for greener pastures. Ultimately, the opportunity arose for me to get back there, and even though I wasn't as financially set as I could have been, I did it.

And it wasn't the same. Not at all. I mean, I knew what I was getting into (well, sort of) and I knew I wouldn't be living the same carefree lifestyle. But living in Cancun that second time around, I learned what struggle could be, what frustration was, and how much I had left behind. Lessons one can only learn on their own.

A few years back, wow, maybe even ten years by now, I heard from an old boyfriend. He was about ten years older than me when we dated, and he was quirky and a little bit off balance and fun. He opened my eyes to a lot of things that I still treasure, and over the years I never forgot about him. When I heard he was in town, in Eugene, I took the chance and drove down to meet him for lunch. He was still him, but his quirkiness and lack of balance now seemed almost crazy and more than a little bit annoying. I felt like I had been the only one who had grown, and that made me sad. As I dropped him at the airport, the ticket agent asked if we were married. He seemed pleased at her assumption; I was mildly mortified. I still talk to him from time to time, briefly and sporadically, because I care about him, or maybe I just worry about him.

You can't go back. Things that were the be all to end all at one time in your life should just stay where they are, in the past, where you can look back at them happily, like little treasures, maybe twinged with a little bit of sadness. And if happens that you get a second chance at experiencing them again, you should remember that nothing is the same as it was before, through no fault of anyone or anything, and that you have two choices: walk away from it, or let it grow into something new.

Just don't ever think it will be the same as it was.


At 9:45 PM, January 27, 2009, Anonymous Off road adventure said...

I believe the saying is "you can never go home" I why would you want to.

At 7:25 AM, January 29, 2009, Blogger Prodigal daughter / sister / friend said...

There is also the saying, attributed to Heraclitus mostly, that "you can't step into the same river twice".... as in, the river keeps flowing so even if you put your foot into the same place, it's not the same river. Thanks for reminding me of that...


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