Thursday, October 01, 2009

Sign, sign, everywhere a sign

Maybe I read too much into every little thing. But sometimes when I don't have anything worthwhile to do I look up random quotes and lately the ones that seem to stick with me have to do with dreams. Recently that My Guey pulled some cards for me and essentially told me that changes are coming provided I pull my shit together, focus, listen to my dreams and basically find the strength to do the things I know I have to do. Since every truth basically hinges on perception, I have perceived this to mean that yeah I should do all those things but does it really matter what actual order I do them in and if not then why shouldn't I just pay attention to my dreams? And the signs pointing at dreams and really when you get right down to it, the word "dream" itself. Or at least I think that's my current train of thought.

So today I thought about a favorite quote of mine by Henry David Thoreau, and then I saw that same quote two more times today just randomly. That's gotta mean something, right? And less recently (but still recent enough) I've been having these great conversations with people that I know from other lives I have lived, and I think to myself, Hmmm. Change. Change has always done me good.

The problem is I don't know what my dream is anymore. Or if I even have one. What happens to us when we stop dreaming, for God's sake? What's THAT mean? I don't mean stop dreaming as in sleep dreamlessly, because believe me when I tell you my dreams have always been and continue to be just whacked out crazy shit that I always remember and make me wake up thinking, good Lord where did THAT come from? I can't be done yet. I'm not old enough to be done yet. The escrow world is twirling down some sort of not-so-good drain to God only knows what and who knows where it that's going to leave me, so I can't just be destined to do escrow until I'm 78 and finally decide I can live comfortably on the roughly $7,000 I have managed to accummulate in my retirement plan. I just never envisioned my life like that. It's hard to continue to answer the question "Hey, what's new?" with "Not much, just living the dream" when I have absolutely no idea what that dream is.

All I know is that lately there are a few things that are making me pretty unhappy (as well as some things that make me pretty happy, when they're good, but I also know that with some things, taking the not-good is just a part of the good itself, so I deal) and in my world, when things make me unhappy I do something (drastic) that makes the unhappiness go away. Run away? Call it what you want. I call it greener pastures. I've always done a lot better, probably everyone has, when I have something to look forward to.

Clearly I'm scattered. And I'm not like looking to make a huge change right now. The way my world world works is that things just sort of present themselves. So for now, I guess, since I don't have anything very worthwhile to do, I'll just keep letting those signs present themselves, and keep searching for the dream.


At 5:26 AM, October 02, 2009, Blogger Tulum Living said...

Things always present themselves at the right times- the hard part is to be in a position to see them and react to them. I hope that the escrow drain pipe spits you this direction eventually.

At 8:59 AM, October 02, 2009, Blogger Gringa-n-Mexico said...

What's that saying "Dream to dream" ?? And "Dare to Dream" ?

:PP My bad, I've got nothin so I figured I'd be as corny as possible.

Honestly though? I'm too realastic when it comes to dreaming. I think up something that would be wonderful but then knock it right back down because I know damn well it's not going to happen. Lame right!? And here I consider myself an optimist! :P

Ah well, I can always dream about cake, cake is possible :)


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