Next time, just say no thanks.

It's no secret to anybody that I have been tanning since 1983. I'm pretty much a slave to it and it's actually gotten to the point that my perception of the color of my skin is completely off balance. You see tan, I see white.

Anyway, I continue to keep the dream alive (meaning extend my pathetic vacations tan) by tanning about once every three days. It works for me, and I still have some decent color, and I find the tanning experience relaxing. Before you give me any shit about this, remember, I smoke. I don't need anyone telling me about the many ways I abuse my body. My body. Mine. So shut up.

So it's been a rough couple of days for me, and today at lunch I just needed to get out. There really isn't much to DO at lunch besides eat lunch, and I just didn't want to go get something and bring it back to the office, so I decided to go tan.

When I work in this particular office, the salon I go to is the one I started my first package at (for this particular salon). It's over by the old Tanasbourne branch and the manager there is probably the best salesperson on the planet. She really should get out of the tanning biz and do something bigger, because my God she can sell. Last year she sold me this horrifically expensive package and I gladly paid for it. I don't know who this particular Joyce is when I get in front of that chick but somehow she convinces me that this is exactly what I want and out comes the Visa.

Today was no exception. First she sold me the fun new lotion package. Then she realized she undercharged me by $10 because she mistakenly thought that I already was a premier member (how the hell would I know) and, geez, with the amount you tan you really should be one. So she sold me that package. It has a lot of perks and I really did buy into it and on top of that it does make financial sense with this particular 26 year obsession. And one of those perks is three free mystic tans.

Those of you living in an alternate universe free from E! Television and that trainwreck of a reality show "Sunset Tan" may not know what mystic tan is. It's sunless tanning. It's that spray booth that turned Ross orange in "Friends" because he was too much of an idiot to turn around and instead chose to yell at the machine in an effort to make it stop (I've tried that method with other machines - it doesn't work). I told the manager that mystic tanning scares the crap out of me (see how that isn't past tense?) and that I was afraid I would end up a) orange, b) striped, c) a combination of both and d) blind or brain damaged from lack of oxygen. She poo-poo'd it like all my fears were just plain crazy, but since they were free, what the hell, you should try it sometime because it's just plain fun. Then she proceeded to talk me into trying it TODAY, and since she is the salesperson she is, well, I did.

Okay, let me just say that if you do try this particular type of tanning, might I suggest you go on a weekend? Or maybe even after the work day is done. Because as it turns out, this type of tan is not like paint, it's more like self-tanner that takes a few hours to slowly develop. I took the lesson, slathered the lotion on the bottoms of my feet, the toenails, hands and fingernails, put on the hair net and stripped down to nothingness. I put in the nose guard thingies that you breath through, hit the start button and jumped on in.

The experience itself only lasts like 2 minutes or so, but I'm kind of claustrophobic, so I had some issues breathing out of the nose guard thingie. And apparently I lifted one hand out of the line of misting fire because, well, one hand is a lot darker than the other one right now. Apparently this formula dries quickly, you don't have to like wipe yourself down to avoid streaking, and after you get all the lotion off your hands and feet you should be ready to dress again. All this was true.

What was also true was that it takes about 4-6 hours to develop. I told two of the girls that I had gone, and to keep an eye on me. About an hour later another girl did a double take and asked me if I had just come from tanning - apparently it was kicking in. After that it pretty much started to develop like a house afire. Sherri hummed the oompa loompa song most of the rest of the afternoon, another girl wouldn't let me take her 3pm signing, Marci told me she could smell me. Seriously by 4:30 I was looking a lot less Joyce and a lot more Aretha, and I was starting to get really concerned about the dramatic color variance from left hand to right. I couldn't get home fast enough to shower and stop the insanity.

The funny thing is the most affected parts of me are my hands and face. I'm flipping tan. But my legs, arms and midsection, not so much. Just like in regular tanning. Which I will be returning to and embracing whole heartedly after maybe Friday. God only knows what might happen when this stuff combines with UV rays.