All I want for Christmas is...

Ummmm, a new car. A better job. Stuff on my walls. Inner peace. The feeling of being SETTLED. So what do I do about it?

I have been researching cars a little bit. Don't get me wrong, the liz is running fine, it's just that I wouldn't mind an automatic. Or something where the bra doesn't have moss on it (not that I shouldn't just dump the dang bra, I mean for God's sake it is ripped nearly to shreds). Or even something that isn't a magnet to Beaverton and Washington County's finest. I have had a lot of luck with Hondas. But what do I choose? A Civic? I'm 41 for the love of Pete. A CR-V? Do I NEED an SUV? Don't I make fun of people who drive gas guzzlers and people who drive SUVs for no real apparent reason? But do I do used or do I do new? I looked at some used ones and frankly if I'm going to get a loan I might as well get a new one. But then what? Doesn't that make me LOCKED into being here for a while? What about THAT can of worms?

My job is fine. Well wait. My career is fine. My JOB is frustrating. I have very little going on in terms of new files. And the good Lord above knows nobody is marketing me. I sometimes wonder why that is, but I think I know the reason and don't really want to verbalize it. Plus there is the whole "no warm fuzzies" thing going on. I feel like I will still be a newbie in that office if I'm there another 15 years. I used to be so good at flying under the radar - that isn't happening so much anymore. Plus too I am not an enormous fan of the lack of confidentiality. I am having vacation hours issues and EVERY ONE KNOWS ABOUT IT. Shouldn't that just be kept between me and my boss? Why do the assistants all know about it? I don't know. Something's gotta give. When your job is pretty much all you have going on in your life, it should probably be pretty satisfying. Or at least comfortable.

Stuff on my walls would be great but that requires spending money. Not that buying a car isn't spending money, and that stuff on the walls is pretty cheap in comparison. I have a few more things I could throw up there, but as you can see, I am not making any moves toward the hammer and nails in the tool box right now, am I?

Inner peace is a tough one. Right now I have NO IDEA what I want out of life. How much of a drag is that at my age? Shouldn't I be all content and happy? Shouldn't I like KNOW what I want? Or at least have some kind of idea? The thought of moving ... I just know I need security. That is the biggest issue. I can't just traipse around the continent with no real security. I can't. I need to have some sort of cash flow in place. I know there are no guarantees in any kind of life, but being poor and/or struggling, yeah, not sure that is what I want to tackle right now. I know that I WANT to be down south, but the problem is the reality of it that creeps in. Reality is sort of a dark cloud over the whole situation. Pretty major one at that. So yeah I am not sure I will get inner peace for Christmas.

Henceforth, feeling settled is going to be tough to achieve. If I wasn't such a grass-is-always-greener kinda gal, it wouldn't be so difficult. I need to look up that hierarchy of needs thing I learned back in Psych 101 4000 years ago. Put things into perspective. Meditate. Find God. Do SOMETHING.

Do SOMETHING.

Fold laundry. That's what I'll do.