Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Inventing a more satisfying existence.

So obviously I have been in a blog rut lately, so when Becky H. emailed me to complain, I suggested she give me a topic, any topic, and I would run with it. Here is her suggestion:

"Let’s see…I’ve got it. Write about what you think the top 5 new inventions would be. If anything could be invented to make life easier, what would they be?" (I put that in quotes so that you understand it is a direct paste from the email).

So. I thought about it some immediately afterward, and then when the next email came in from someone approximately 3 seconds later, I forgot about it. Kinda. I've been mulling, there's no doubt, and here is what I came up with.

Perhaps these are not the NEXT top five new inventions, but they are out there somewhere in our future, they just have to be.

1) Voice recognition everything. They came up with the voice recognition dialing on your cell phone, well, pretty soon that technology will be used on virtually everything. Starting your car, your dishwasher, the ATM, your computer. There will be very little concern for fraud because the software will recognize YOUR VOICE, and all it's subtle complexities. Sounds good, right? No more fumbling for keys or looking for the remote control, no more groping with lathery hands for the faucet, no more struggling over the tight lid of the pickle jar. I'm talking EVERYthing. The downside of this - laziness is at an all time high, and everywhere you go is constant yammering. Noise pollution becomes an issue, and New Jersey is abandoned because even they can't handle listening to that accent all day.

2) Remember those highly nutritional and satisfying meals combined in one small capsule that were on some 1960s' sci-fi show (it might have been Star Trek)? Those are coming. I bet you someone is working on that right now, but the FDA will never approve them because people might start losing weight and the medical profession would lose a lot of business. Just like the cure for cancer that has already been invented.

3) Cat - to - Human/Human - to- Cat (and Dog - to - Human/Human - to - Dog) translation dictionaries. This is just barely on the horizon, I know it. Already my kittens know certain words like "kitten", "love bunny", and "wet food". It's just a matter of time. And as soon as they come out with these I will finally understand what all the yowling is about in this house. I get "step away from the computer" and "I can't seem to wipe the poop from my ass" but the rest of it? Utter nonsense. I wonder if they are mimicking me. I wonder...

4) Family-sized unicycles. Because that would just be fun to watch.

And 5) (my favorite) TV will become so advanced that you can purchase The Throttler – a device that allows you to reach INTO the screen and touch the performers. It won't be marketed as "The Throttler" at first, but everyone will eventually call it that. Of course it will be with gloved hands so you can’t get your stank on them, and really it's only recommended for reality shows and live performances (news programs, etc), but you could probably get a really advanced one for use on truly hideous shows like "Everybody Loves Raymond" and "Semi Homemade with Sandra Lee". One will need a special permit allowing them to purchase one, of course – no history of violence, mental illness or really short tempers - but there's always a way around THAT, look at meth and how it's still a nationwide epidemic even though they took all the antihistamines off the shelves. And felons with guns. I think I would really like this one. I think I would really enjoy reaching out and touching some of the people that prance across my TV screen these days. I may never leave the house (except maybe in shackles, but that may take a while - how long will it take the police to get in if I keep yelling "Lock!" at my front door?).

Technology and all its advances have made the world a convenient place to live, if you have the cash. Perhaps if I got off my ass and worked on developing some of the above, I'd be rich some day. Of course I wouldn't have much to complain about, and then I REALLY wouldn't have much to blog about, and then, well, what would become of poor Becky H.? Nah, I couldn't live with myself.

It's all for you, Beck.


At 2:31 PM, May 14, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are so INCREDIBLY FUCKING FUNNY. I sit in my office laughing outloud, surely sounding like a lunatic. (I know you're thinking "Quit calling me Shirley")You have absolutely exceeded my expectations. (Although we ALL know the best invention ever was the thermos. "Hot stuff stays hot. Cold stuff stays cold. But..how do it know?") So, now your mission, should you choose to accept it: "What are the five WORST inventions?" I am positive you have thoughts about the ridicuous, worthless products we have available to us. Your friend, Becky H.

At 10:16 PM, May 14, 2008, Anonymous heatherinparadise said...

I want, nay, need someone to invent the breathalyzer computer keyboard. If I'm over the legal limit, I can't post things onto the internet or send ill-advised emails to ex-boyfriends. As quickly as possible. Yes, I'll invest.

At 5:48 AM, May 15, 2008, Blogger JJ said...

Ooooooh good one, Heather! With a cell phone adapter! The promises I have made while drunk-dialing, hijole...


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