Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Blahgging.

I saw it in the forecast, I knew it was coming. Rain. It poured down rain like a crazy sonofabitch right around 2:30 today, .31 of an inch per OregonLive.com.

We so didn't have a summer. I feel totally cheated. There were maybe five days total that it hit higher than 90, and the rest of it was in the 70s and 60s. This is all I can remember of the last two months.

Something's got to give in my life because seriously, even after having had a somewhat dry run for the last month, one day of this just gets me so completely down. I don't like the way it looks, I don't like the way it feels, I don't like the way it ruins my hair, I don't like anything about it. I cannot for the life of me figure out why I have been living here (for the most part) for the last fifteen years again.

Fifteen years, as my dear friend Kelly D. reminded me yesterday. Fifteen years ago this fall I hit I-80 west from Cleveland and never looked back (well, yes I did, a little bit). And though I did move out of the country within these past fifteen years, I certainly don't feel like I've accomplished much more than that.

My main reason for leaving was that I didn't want to wake up one day at forty-five living in Akron, Ohio (I lived in Cuyahoga Falls, actually, but it's a suburb of Akron, close enough). So yeah. Waking up one morning at forty-five and living in Beaverton, Oregon is better? Because that's what will be happening next week. There really isn't a whole of time left to make that impact I figured I was drawn here to make..

This rain and the approaching Fall are making me think too hard about things, question things, take stock in what I'm doing. And continue to wonder what's next. Because seriously. This can NOT be it.

I probably shouldn't have blogged tonight, because there is no substance.

But maybe that's the message.

6 Comments:

At 3:34 AM, September 08, 2010, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am one who usually has a fairly quick and/or clever comeback to most any question. However I was recently asked one that left me completely speechless, and I still have yet to figure out the answer. The question is:

When you get where you're going where will you be?

Your post made me think of this. Interesting, no?

Barbara

 
At 6:06 AM, September 08, 2010, Blogger JJ said...

Good question, Barbara. And will you know when you get there?

 
At 2:30 PM, September 08, 2010, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe we're all already there? Maybe this IS it and the lesson is that we should look around and realize this is actually pretty darn good. I don't know - I do know that I have a terminally ill friend right now and she (I assume) looks around her life as it is RIGHT NOW and wishes she could have a little more of her life. Her apartment (in East Portland) and her menial job and her cats and her friends with whom she occasionally lunches.

I dunno. It just got me thinking.

BH

 
At 4:04 PM, September 08, 2010, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah! Another question to ponder: "And will you know when you get there?" Good thinking, JJ.

Huh. As BH points out - maybe we're already there. Actually, I think in any given moment, yes, we are. And even though twice I've been told my illness was "terminal", and twice I've made funeral arrangemnets, et al, I STILL live thinking....when I have this accomplished...when I do this, that, etc. Blah, blah, blah.

It's damn hard living in the moment, yet Ram Dass was of course totally right on with BE HERE NOW.

Difficult. For me, anyway. What's most difficult, I suppose, is having always lived as though I still had all the time in the world to change my life, move to ?, reinvent myself, start a new career....all of it. And now I feel wow! That's no longer true (I'm 60). Shocking!

And yet - can we not do all of that in a moment? Turn on a dime?

Barbara

 
At 7:41 PM, September 08, 2010, Blogger JJ said...

Yeah, I think we can, Barbara. But we're so used to being comfortable that maybe it's easier not to. I can't even imagine being faced with what you have faced (twice, no less) and of course I imagine (sitting here NOT facing it) all the fabulous things I would do. But that isn't reality, really. Maybe it's what Becky (BH) says - maybe we ARE already there. Maybe that should inspire us to make an impact. Even if it's only on one person. Even if it's not that BIG of an impact.

Godspeed, Barbara, you make me happy knowing you are a loyal reader (even when I either have nothing to say or just kvetch for five paragraphs..).

 
At 3:40 AM, September 09, 2010, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Loyal reader? You bet. When I first found you I went back and read straight through your archives. I think I emailed you at the time. And if I recall I found you through one of the blogs I read about moving to (or have moved) Mexico. I dream of moving to San Miguel de Allende, even though I've not yet been (it's called me for years).

And don't ever think you couldn't do whatever you're called to do. The strength is always there. When we hit what we've perceived as "bottom" we find there is no bottom, and we just keep going.

What else ya gonna do?

Thank you for your writing, your sharing, and for giving me pause and making me ponder.

It's all good.

Barbara

 

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