Monday, November 23, 2009

Grudge

I hold grudges. I haven't really had a ton of disservices in my life that would make these grudges last so long that they hinder my everyday performance. There are very few, I mean VERY few things that can keep me up at night. I've developed the sort of attitude that things happen, and once they have there isn't a lot you can do to change them, being that you can't change history, so why dwell. Except for this one thing niggling away at me.

It's been going on for a few years now, I guess two, anyway. And it's not like it isn't based upon something I ultimately decided to do. But there it is. The people that led me astray from rational thought by toying with my emotional side are still out there, and I no longer speak with them. The bummer is I considered them to be really good friends, and I know why they did what they did. But it doesn't stop me from holding this grudge.

Sometimes I see them around, online (you know of which social media I speak), and I think, oh Christ somebody has to bury the hatchet. I think to myself that they are thinking, wow, I sure wish this fence could be mended, but I'm not going to make the first move, she must hate us. But then I just don't extend the olive branch, because I don't think they have hurt enough yet.

And they have. The actions they took back when this all ended were their own choices, and I don't think they took into consideration what hurt could come of it. Nevertheless, it landed them in a bunch of (financial) hot water and they are paying for their karma. So why isn't that enough for me? Do I want an apology? I acted on my own free will as well, though the facts laid out for me when I made the decision were not actual "facts". The stable(ish) me that was me back a couple of years ago is gone as a result of my own actions. I could have said no, and since I didn't, there really isn't anyone to blame but myself. These things I know.

But I still struggle with my grudge. And I WANT to bury the hatchet, I WANT to reconnect, but I also want to know that this broken friendship hurts them like it hurts me. Or at least an apology. Maybe. Maybe?

Nah. This IS a grudge, after all. I want to know they hurt.

2 Comments:

At 1:19 PM, November 23, 2009, Anonymous RiverGirl said...

JJ- Don't second guess yourself or feel badly for not being comfortable with this. You DESERVE a HUGE APOLOGY! What they did to you was not fair, not nice and not something real friends who are healthy would do.

I think that they were real friends. I think they got into a very unhealthy situation and over time it twisted their thinking and that led them to mislead you. I don't think they ever sat and thought "let's lie to her and mislead her." I think they hoped you would rescue them, JJ on her white horse was going to fix this big fuckup! In a way it's a big compliment that you were the one they mislead, it was because they knew you could believe in them, it was because you were close to them.

I think if you are interested in mending things then you aren't really holding a grudge. You just know that it's not you who should make the first move.

They owe you a huge apology and if they haven't given you one it's probably due to their own continuing pain about how THEY fucked up! Facing what they did to you means facing their own failure head-on. That may be too hard for them, let's hope it's not!

 
At 6:37 AM, November 24, 2009, Blogger Tulum Living said...

I agree with RG that if you are even interested in mending the fence now or in the future- that means that this grudge is not truly a grudge for you.

You are one of the most level headed and fair minded people that I know. If someone has gotten you into this mind set then I know there was a fair and just reason.

I know that there are people who are not ready or do not want to face the look of disappointment on their friends faces when they address their wrong doings- so they might not address them at all. But I do think that you are the type of person where- even if you do not want to make the first move- you will allow them the room to do so when and if they choose to.

That is already your first move. Not being closed to the idea of even hearing from them. If they do not- that is their decision. And you know that no matter what- everything comes out in the wash and that Karma will deal with all.

I miss you and cannot wait to see you!!!!!

 

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