Thursday, July 09, 2009

Not ready to fake it just yet.

I've been through worse and survived. Lots of people are currently going through worse and are surviving. Rationally speaking, it's not like this is a sudden thing - it's been going on for weeks now. But there is a feeling of finality now, and it's killing me a little bit.

In general I'm a fairly pleasant person. You might even describe me as bubbly. It's rarely calm when I am in a branch. I'm just not feeling it right now. If you see me today and ask me why I am so quiet, I won't really tell you why. I may even try to put up a front, or tell you I'm just tired. Just believe me. I imagine sooner or later I'll get over it, or maybe just get sick of not talking. But it's not going to just go away, so the odds are pretty good that I'll be putting on an act sooner than later.

In theory blogging is supposed to be cathartic. It's supposed to be a place where one can put their thoughts out to the (internet) universe and maybe feel a little bit of relief. But I can't do that. Not this time. It can't be good to carry this inside, but right now it's all I have left of the most wonderful thing I have had in a really long time.

Wonderful despite the limitations and the boundaries and the what ifs. But isn't dreaming okay? Is wondering what might have been or might could be such a bad thing? If you know the rules going in, and follow them, where is the real harm, when you know that all you are doing is dreaming?

So I think for now I'll just keep hanging on to it. Until I feel better. Or better enough to fake it.


At 11:41 AM, July 09, 2009, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people
in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way.

At 5:49 AM, July 10, 2009, Blogger JJ said...

I believe that. It was just a unique situation we stumbled upon. But I'm a better person for having had the opportunity to know you like I do, and that's a good thing.

It's getting better.

At 8:52 AM, July 11, 2009, Blogger Rosas Clan in Tulum said...

I hope that you are feeling better. You are one of the most positive people I know- even in your worst moods. You are always some one who gets through. This time will be no exception.


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