Not ready to fake it just yet.

I've been through worse and survived. Lots of people are currently going through worse and are surviving. Rationally speaking, it's not like this is a sudden thing - it's been going on for weeks now. But there is a feeling of finality now, and it's killing me a little bit.

In general I'm a fairly pleasant person. You might even describe me as bubbly. It's rarely calm when I am in a branch. I'm just not feeling it right now. If you see me today and ask me why I am so quiet, I won't really tell you why. I may even try to put up a front, or tell you I'm just tired. Just believe me. I imagine sooner or later I'll get over it, or maybe just get sick of not talking. But it's not going to just go away, so the odds are pretty good that I'll be putting on an act sooner than later.

In theory blogging is supposed to be cathartic. It's supposed to be a place where one can put their thoughts out to the (internet) universe and maybe feel a little bit of relief. But I can't do that. Not this time. It can't be good to carry this inside, but right now it's all I have left of the most wonderful thing I have had in a really long time.

Wonderful despite the limitations and the boundaries and the what ifs. But isn't dreaming okay? Is wondering what might have been or might could be such a bad thing? If you know the rules going in, and follow them, where is the real harm, when you know that all you are doing is dreaming?

So I think for now I'll just keep hanging on to it. Until I feel better. Or better enough to fake it.