What the heck, I guess I'll rant some

Since I had a good amount of time to do some soul-searching yesterday (rainy in the afternoon, got most of my chores out of the way early, etc), I have come to some conclusions. Now, I want you to know, Marshy, that this is not solely based on the conversation that you and I had on Friday night further into the evening, but it did sort of spark it. I know lately you feel responsible for a decision I have made recently, but really, you shouldn't, because it's pretty much all me. So here I go.

I have come to the conclusion that I'm tired of working on certain friendships. You know, you would think that by now, concerning one in particular, I would be over it. I should be. It's been a couple of years now. But I think when I came back and rejoined the group I was perhaps hoping that whatever destroyed this particular friendship would either show it's head or work it's way out nonconfrontationally. It did neither. The longer it stayed destroyed, for some reason, the more I agonized over the why. Sure, I agonized over the why internally, and the 2nd party to this once very strong friendship probably never even knew it (but you know, one would hope that they were feeling the same way, if only just a little bit), but it seems like slowly I was letting the whole situation stress me out/bother me more and more to the point where I was losing sleep (figuratively speaking. In reality I get plenty of sleep). I have decided I am not going to fret about it anymore.

There is a more recent situation that has happened, that really isn't about me, but in a way that was bothering me just below the surface, and well I think I finally figured out why. I had a lot of lounge time yesterday, and in my current physiological situation, I let my mind run wild. I won't go into details, but I will tell you what I have decided to do.

Nothing.

You know why? Because lookit. These people are supposed to be friends. Good friends. And if one has an issue with a good friend, then isn't it like completely normal to TELL THAT FRIEND ABOUT IT? What is with the silence? Why make the other person agonize over what happened? I found out, after I came back the first tme, that one person was infuriated with me for 9 of the 14 months that I was gone. Nine months! And then miraculously (or perhaps with difficulty, I don't know. Who knows?) got over it. All while I was gone, and completely oblivious. Because they DIDN'T TELL ME. So there I am, living life, buying Raid and arguing with taxistas, and completely unaware that someone who was my very good friend was pissed off at me beyond all consolation. And then got over it. I had absolutely no idea. And at the same time, apparently, someone else had been wronged so completely by me (who by the way was roughly 3000 miles away) that they decided to just stop talking to me and be done with it. Fine. Great, I guess. Everyone is entitled to react to things their own way. But hey, how about TELLING me what was up? Because, you know what? I'm not going to know if you don't flipping tell me.

So then you gotta figure, really, you weren't a very good friend to begin with it you didn't feel that you could tell me what was wrong or what I did. If the friendship wasn't worth THAT, then why agonize over it after all this time? So I'm not going to. I don't want to know. Actually, I WANT to know, because I am curious I guess, but I don't CARE to know anymore, because seriously, friends are supposed to be able to talk freely with one another about things that might be affecting the friendship. I'm not going to give any more power to the person that made the decision that our friendship wasn't worth it. Clearly it wasn't worth it, and I just didn't get the memo.

As for the more recent situation, well, I didn't get the courtesy of being made aware that I wasn't their friend anymore, and I guess I will take my own time before I say anything to them. The difference is that I was completely oblivious since at the time they were pissed at me, I was miles away and living my dream, completely unaware.

I'm just tired of stressing about it. I seem to be the only one who is. I seem to be the only one who valued these friendships, or thought they actually had value. Clearly I need to be a little more blase. Who knew that having a goal and realizing it (in this case, moving away like I did) would continue to teach me so many valuable lessons? I mean, beyond how to keep the hormigitas out of your apartment.